You’ve asked. And the world answered.
You are
tall, short, thin, fat,
desirable, funny, intellectual, creative,
likeable, unapproachable, promotable, forgettable,
formidablelovablehatableuglyprettysexynastymaternalsmart.
I could go on but the point is – we don’t have all day. In fact, we only have the next five minutes that you spend reading this post. After that, it’s over. The Who-Am-I gig? It’s done.
Why?
Because you don’t need to be defined.
I’m amused at how words that we’ve made up to help make sense of the world have become more than the artificial constructs that they are. They have become the standards by which we judge others. They have become the laws by which we act. We diligently attempt to validate the definitions and stop trying to understand the person.
Actors fight definitions. After all, we’re actors – we can be anything. We selfishly, indulgently want to be everyone.
But here’s where we can learn from the actor’s journey. All of the actor’s hard work and dedication is focussed on one action: to allow.
How do we start to allow ourselves and others to be our true selves, even if we don’t fit into a mold? We begin by challenging the definitions. It begins with this…
Do not be defined by…
Your role. “You’re their mother, not their friend.” I’ll tell you what I am. I am the embodiment of companionship to another human. I am inextricably woven into their lives. I am part of their whole. I will be friend, parent, antagonist, antithesis. I will be their chains and their wings. My part is not for your words. The role of parent is only one of the few roles to play in life. We are more than the sum of them all.
Your age. Don’t make me go there again. I’ve waxed on poetically about this several times. Enough. “It’s just a number. It doesn’t mean anything.” Maybe it does or we wouldn’t be obsessed with it. So make it mean something. End of discussion. I recommend starting a Pinterest Board called “Old People Behaving Badly” and start pinning anyone that breaks the rules of aging. They are everywhere. They are my inspiration.
Your health. As long as you draw breath you are capable of affecting the world. You cannot underestimate your role in the lives of others. I wish you the strength to live to the fullest.
Your gender. We are testing the male-female definition, trying to reword it to make it fit. To what end? The fight for gender equality is not so we may be confined by one of these many definitions. It is a fight for the safety of every human on this planet. Those fighting for LGBT rights are not fighting because they want a label smacked on their foreheads. They may want to be understood but, more importantly, they want to be free and safe to be who they are without retaliation from those that love their labels so much they are willing to punish another to justify them.
Your addiction. It began as a war cry of freedom in your youth. Or it grew out of the pain and anxiety of life. You smoked and drank to feel in control. You consumed, loving the oblivion of relinquishing control. All the while, you were building a holding cell wherein you became confined. “It’s just who I am,” you say? You are not that addiction. Losing the addiction is not losing a part of you. You are a constant with or without it.
Your education. Or lack thereof. Success and happiness is not determined by your grades. Education equals choices. But your choice is based on your passion, your purpose, and your trajectory. And if what you see yourself doing in life does not come served to you on a silver platter after a college degree, then make it up as you go along. It’s never too late. I PROMISE that some things were not meant to be done when we are young. Time brings many of the blessings needed to become more than we could ever imagine.
Your work. This one gets me in the soft spot. A career has always been my indication of a successful life. “So if you don’t succeed, you won’t be happy?” my husband asked me once. I said no. It was important for me to admit that, so that I could let it go. My efforts to pursue success can remain relentless, as long as I understand my title will never define my purpose in this world. Committing to my purpose, staying on the path, and working towards a goal is actually what makes me happy regardless of the title I’m given.
Definitions are for focus, perseverance, and motivation. They are signposts on the journey towards understanding. But they are there to move us forward in that understanding, not to hold us back. So use them wisely, wield them fairly, then let them go. Embrace the mystery of you. Love the beauty of your complexity.
After all, some things were not meant to be defined.
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