“I feel overwhelmed with the comparisons. Everyone seems so quick to whip out lists of accomplishments and I don’t like it. I feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough. I don’t want to feel that way.”
The weight of my expectations, my hopes, and my judgements were overwhelming.
“He’s my baby.”
Did I lose you? Am I not talking about the fear of change?
Stick with me…
This was the start of a conversation that yielded some of my favourite advice from my mentor, my dear aunt. It was years ago. We were deciding where to send our first born to school. The world we lived in of play dates and coffee talk was ripe with conversations of how talented certain kids were, how well adjusted others were, how ready to read and write others were, and how some were destined for private school. Of course, we couldn’t just send the kids to the public school in our catchment. That wasn’t ‘good enough’ parenting (most of us did btw – the effort of exhausting the options was good enough parenting in the end).
I have suffered, as soooooo many have, with extremely high expectations for myself. It’s the Never-Good-Enough motivational program that many of us adhere to for fear of regret later in life. Of course, an important factor in this program is comparing ourselves with others. How else will we know if we are not good enough?!
“Well, when you’re speaking of your son, you just say, ‘We’re really happy with where Declan is right now,’” said Aunty Pat.
That was it. She was implying I didn’t have to explain, rationalize, or justify. I didn’t have to list the major accomplishments of his five years of life. I could just be happy. Of course, I was happy. But there was always that nagging feeling that he (read ‘I’) wasn’t doing enough. I knew it was my own insecurities creeping into my parenting. It’s an inevitable space to fill with our own crap. According to this advice, however, I could just be happy and not play the game.
What a relief! And it worked. I was released from the games parents play. I felt proud of myself for honouring our child and not allowing this world of Not-Good-Enough to creep into his life.
So, how did this affect me and how I see change? (sorry – we know I’m not capable of short answers)
I always wondered what could possibly make change easier. Self-induced change is necessary in order to move forward. I don’t need to like it. I just want to survive it. So what’s keeping me stuck from moving on?
The weight of the expectations that…
I’m not where I should be
I should be doing more
I could have done something else
where I’m going may not be the right path
…are the judgments that are binding me to this moment.
Fear of regret, fear of failure, fear of judgment keep me from letting go and moving on! If you are fighting where you are and therefore not grounded in the now, how can you possibly push off from this place and take the next step? By fully accepting who you are, where you are, and how you got there, change will merely be the inevitable extension of this path.
Every life is different. It has to be. You simply can’t compare yourself with others. If you bring all of your expectations, comparisons, and judgements with you into change it’s like throwing sand in the grinding gears of your life. In order to experience a smooth, less painful transition, you need to give your life the grease it needs: Kindness. The journey requires it.
So what is the antidote to these fears?
“I’m really happy with where I am right now.”
Support yourself. By saying that you’re really happy with where you are implies that where you are going is going to be ok, too. It’s not about what others think of your path! Give yourself this kindness. I hope it helps in the times when you want to move on.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Fear regret less,
Let go,
And embrace what comes next.
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