It seems like something Captain Obvious would say: if we are happy we will make better decisions. But if you think about it, why is that?
What is happiness?
Happiness is defined most often using the word content. I enjoyed the Happiness International definition that stated ‘happiness is when your life fulfills your needs’. They identify human needs by separating them into categories labeled using the acronym WE PROMISE (Well-being, Environment, Pleasure, Relationships, Outlook, Meaning, Involvement, Success, Elasticity). If life can come close to meeting my individual needs in these areas, I know I’d be happy!
How can we tell if we are happy? Many measures of happiness are self-reported. For our purposes, let’s just talk about the subjective ‘feeling’ of happy, no need to get into psychometric measures of behaviors, etc.
And what is a ‘better’ decision?
During career counselling, whether you are the parent trying to guide your child in career exploration or practitioner assisting your client with job search, our job is to support another while they journey to decision-making. It is not enough that any decision is made. We want the best for our children and clients. We want them to make decisions based on their skills, strengths, goals, and dreams. We want decisions that align with their values and purpose so that they will follow through and take action to be (you guessed it!) the star of their own life.
What if we can enhance their ability to assimilate and integrate those many streams of information and choose based on this? We can, just by enhancing their mood.
Negative Moods Affect our Decision Making
When we are in a good mood, we think better. We consider more possibilities; we’re open to considerations that would otherwise not occur to us; we see subtle connections between pieces of information that we might otherwise miss….Complex decisions, involving multiple options with multiple features…demand our best thinking. Yet those very decisions seem to induce in us emotional reactions that will impair our ability to do just the kind of thinking that is necessary.
– The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz
I can relate. My diving head first into university for a second time came on the heels of a huge work catastrophe. I was crying for an hour to my parents before I decided I was going back to school to be a teacher. And that was final. Was that a decision made from careful consideration? Nope. I narrowed in on one solution based on security.
Wouldn’t we all rather avoid the negative feelings of pressure and stress connected with career decision-making? It is easier to say, ok, if I get into UBC sciences I’ll be a chemist, but if I get into SFU Arts I’ll be a teacher. It can seem like a solution to simplify choices to this extreme. But perhaps some guidance on how to pivot in the face of challenges may be needed in order to align closer to one’s dreams. And here’s the easiest-to-use tool in the box for the person doing the guiding!
Hacking the Brain to Influence Mood
People mirror the person they are speaking to unconsciously. By setting a happy example you can influence the other person to move the same way. The body is on a feedback loop that doesn’t just start with the brain. The body can inform the brain how to think as much as the brain can inform the body how to feel. Get them mirroring happiness in their body and you can lift their spirits and prime them for the work ahead. As well, encouraging gratitude, labeling our feelings, and being a positive role model are easy and safe techniques to inspire a happy decision-maker.
Let’s face it, career is one of life’s decisions that induces emotional reactions that could impair our ability to make a big decision.
Here are 10 tips to happily influence your client/child’s mood while discussing careers!
- “Do your eyes light up when they walk in the room?” I am telling my age by quoting Toni Morrison in her Oprah interview twenty years ago but she nailed this one. “I am happy to see you!” can go a long way to brightening the day of someone who feels burdened. We have evolved to need people. Feeling welcomed and appreciated is a leavening agent.
- Use the non-verbals of happiness. We mirror the body language of those we are talking to, so smile with your eyes (show us some teeth!) and keep your body language open (face the other person and no crossing). Your partner will be inclined to do the same and this will feedback to their brain and influence their mood. Even the words we choose can increase your happy non-verbal cues.
- “Let’s get you comfortable.” After 30 years of customer service, I can tell you that there is nary a person who doesn’t appreciate care, attention, and comforts. Our most basic need is physical. Ensuring there is no competing hunger, thirst, or cold is the epitome of care and removes the obstacles to satisfying more complex needs. Top that with, “Is there anything else I can do for you before we start?” and you have them. Most folks never have anything to add but feel amazing knowing someone is there to help them if they do.
- Active listening. The key to active listening is two-fold: NEVER assume you know what the other person means by what they say and NEVER assume you know what is best for them. Yes, even you, mom. Let your children surprise you! If you don’t have to ask any questions then you are not close enough to their truth. Asking questions is not just an exercise of listening it is a process to get the person talking. Talking is thinking. Not all questions need answers. Feeling heard, however, is the answer to how to make another feel special.
- Help them articulate frustrations. It turns out that attaching words to feelings helps dissipate that feeling. Through active listening and reflecting, letting the person express their negative feelings goes a long way. Encouraging them to learn the language of feelings is a step in a positive direction (see emotion-words wheel below).
- Celebrate successes. Knowing how far they’ve come and taking pride in the foundation they’ve laid can bring perspective and hope to those that have much more hard work to do. A moment of reflection can be a moment of rest. Seeing your pride in their accomplishments can bring joy. After all, happiness is found in relationships. “Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.” – Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
- What can they be thankful for? Thankfulness helps ward off depression. This doesn’t have to be a meditative exercise that halts your career search session. Just taking a moment to collectively be thankful for the website that clearly identifies questions asked in a mechanical engineer’s interview or for a person who is willing to do an informational interview that has your client’s dream job are gifts that warrant a shout out! Thank you!!
- Have faith in the possibilities. How do we instill hope? There are entire books on career theories built on hope. By allowing for the flow between the possibilities and probabilities and by staying open to the reality that this world requires your adaptability more than certainty, we can help encourage resilience. Building, recognizing, and celebrating that strength is the parallel path during job search.
- Share your good mood. Positivity is not naïve. It can be realistic and objective. In the face of obstacles, positive language is a choice. Choosing your language carefully when talking about anything from the water cooler, your pen, or the university career page you are checking out can help bring up another’s mood.
- Model humor. Modeling humor in your own life can be an inspiration to others. It may be dangerous to assume another person is ready to laugh at their own failures, hardships, or mistakes. Allowing them their feelings without judgment but showing them how you have learned not to take aspects of your own life too seriously can help them lighten up.
But what if YOU are not feeling happy?
What if your client or child needs you but you’re not feeling able to show up with your dancing shoes on? We actors need to fill the space with our successful character and often that requires that we need to leave our troubles at the door. They don’t belong on the stage when we have a different story to tell. Take a break from your own troubles. Remembering that this moment is not about you can be a welcome relief to your own stresses. It is not your responsibility to make another’s choice. But we can do the greatest service to the world by caring for another human being, showing up in the best way we know how, and staying with them as they travel their journey into the future!
Happy helping!!
P.S. Here’s a Crazy Career (I’ll try to drop in little job titles that I have never heard of throughout my articles for inspiration)! Did you know there is such a thing in HR as a Chief Happiness Officer? Big businesses know that happiness isn’t just an ideal, it is a business strategy for better performance.
