When Their ‘Why’ Hurts

 

 

You may be in the scene for the first time.  Or it’s the same scene that has played out over and over again.  And you are hurting.

I see it.  The memes about the hurt.  About ‘hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me’.  About broken trust.  About broken hearts.  They are the cries for help from those who hurt, want others to know, but would prefer vague FB posts over true exposure.  They are symptoms of those who are stuck in a pattern causing them to suffer bitterness, anger, and depression that, left unchecked, become unbearable after repeating the same scene again and again.

Is this you?

Every human being in a relationship wants something from the other.  That is their objective in the moment (Obstacles, Objectives and the Why of What We Do).  How they get what they want is a succession of actions directed towards the other.  A child wanting a parent to raise their curfew may plead, beg, convince, or manipulate.  A child wanting attention from the parent may scream, cry, impress, or humour.  Breaking down a scene using the actor’s tools will perhaps provide the simplicity you need to achieve some clarity.  After all, the actor’s way is the pursuit of Truth.

First we need to find out which scene you’re in…

 

Scene 1

If they say they’d never hurt you but they do.

If they say they want what’s best for you but it’s not.

When they say they love you repeatedly but Love is never there.

When they say they’ll never do it again but every time they do.

In this scene, “Why” your partner is doing what they do may be lovable.  They may say they want what’s best for you.  They may say you are their friend.  They may say that they love you.

But break down the scene.

What actions do they take to achieve their objective of “Make them love me”?  If their actions hurt you, demean you, shame you, or undermine you then you are in a scene with someone who is not in a relationship with you.  The test of whether or not they are achieving their objective of love is not in YOU.  If it were, they would know the actions they have chosen to achieve their goal weren’t working!  Their actions are not supporting their objective but they continue to act on them because they are playing some inner scene out where they are supporting their own conclusions.  Maybe they learned the pattern growing up.  Maybe their last relationship was dysfunctional.  Regardless, if they don’t understand that their actions are hurting you, you need to stop the scene.

This scene may only be a pattern of unsatisfying relationships.  But it can be more serious than that.  Patterns of violence or aggression, both verbal and physical, are signs that this otherwise lovable person is broken, even if their reason ‘why’ is honourable.  You need to seek help.  Their actions are wrong.  The drama will continue because they will never achieve their objective.  Life has taught them struggle, that Love hurts, or that Love is unachievable.  Witness this.  Put aside your anger, your fear, and, most importantly, your love and witness a broken person.

Seek help.

 

Scene 2

You do your best to achieve the objectives of loyalty, friendship, and love but it never works. 

You try again and again to be loved but you are continually disappointed.  No one lives up to your standards. 

At some point you expect you will be disappointed.

If what you want is trust, friendship, and love, what actions are you taking to achieve that objective?  Are they actions like fighting, manipulation, or controlling?  Are you demanding obedience, agreement, and zero conflict?  Is your measurement of success in the other person?  Do you witness your affect on them?  Do you see how your actions are affecting them but ignore the signs that you are not achieving your objective?  Do you always excuse your actions because they SHOULD work?

Step back and witness your pattern.  Evaluate your actions.  If none of your relationships are healthy, the only common factor in all of these relationships is you. If you would like to have a successful relationship, you must be honest about your actions in that relationship.  It is so hard to admit but the love you deserve and so desperately want will be waiting for you after a journey that requires honesty, hard work, and support.

 

How will this story end?

 

If you are to achieve your potential, be who you were meant to be, and ultimately be the star in your own life you must own your weaknesses and your strengths.  Relationships are integral on your journey to strength and power.  People need their people.  These insights into relationship struggles are only the beginning.  Challenge yourself to

• witness before you judge
• be honest with yourself about your objectives and actions
• be kind

And please, if you find yourself in a place where you are hurt, seek help.  Please.

 

You are needed.  You have a role to play.

 

You should never let anyone steal your rightful place in this world.  Even if that person is yourself.

 

Sending you love on the journey.