Only recently I realized I was stuck in an unhealthy relationship
with Confidence.
I was taught I would be successful, happy, and productive if I could develop an enduring bond with Confidence. At first, I desperately threw myself at it with superficial tactics like better hair and nice clothes. I lost weight and collected positions, titles, and scholastic achievements. But after all of the effort, Confidence was only a part-time lover.
As I got older, I got wise to Confidence. I looked to develop a deeper, more enduring relationship. I knew I could only do this if I started with a healthy relationship with myself. I got close to my values, I soul-searched, and I loved myself regardless if I was arm in arm with Confidence 24/7. Instead of me chasing Confidence, this attracted Confidence to me. We were more connected than ever before. We were solid. I thought I could trust that Confidence would never leave me again.
I thought.
Confidence remained my arm-candy when times were good. But eventually the day came when I needed it most. Confidence headed for the hills. Then another day and another. All it took was one sleepless night, the interference of a stranger’s opinion, or even a downturn in hormones to rock the boat. But it happened so infrequently that I put up with the mood-swings. To patch up our relationship in those times, I took the advice I gave to so many – fake it till you make it. If you act like you have a relationship, eventually Confidence will come around.
But that’s not enough for me.
I deserve better.
I have always been an ‘if-she/he/they-can-do-it-so-can-I’ type. I look to others who have conquered the world for inspiration. I freely admire their iron clad, arm-in-arm-down-the-red-carpet relationship with Confidence. Because I can be honest to a fault, I opened up to some.
As a result of those candid talks, I realized so many of us fall for the same schtick. There are many people who are pretending to be with Confidence when, really, they’re alone at night waiting for Confidence to call. If Confidence stays the night, they’re never sure that Confidence will still be there when they wake in the morning.
Once I realized that, I knew it was time to be the ‘if-I-can-do-it-so-can-you’ type. I decided I was going to get out of my relationship with this fickle friend. I’d already waisted too much of my life with a partner that seemed to decide daily whether or not I was relationship material.
Why was Confidence such a big deal anyways? I wanted Confidence because I believed that put me on the fast track to parties with the in-crowd: Inspiration, Motivation, and Perseverance. Did I need confidence for this?
I decided to ask for help. I needed to have an honest talk with my three besties, the values I hold dear when I make any change in life: Authenticity, Integrity, and Connection. These three wise crones are my Oracle and they shared with me a hint of my destiny. When I listened to them instead of Confidence, I found the truth.
Confidence isn’t necessary. At worst, it’s a distraction. There’s something better out there.
Purpose.
When you are arm in arm with Purpose, you don’t need to wake up every day full of strength, feeling like you can achieve your dreams, or over-flowing with hope that you can reach your potential. Why? Because when you are in a relationship with Purpose you realize its not about you. You love Purpose for what it is, not for how it makes you feel. Purpose is the steady, kind companion that says,
“Whether your actions are big or small, whether you change the world or not, whether you feel strong or tired, you can act with Purpose. You can use your values, your energies, and your actions every day, in every moment, in big or little ways, to move with Purpose. All you need to do is decide why are you opening your eyes today.”
Purpose doesn’t care how you look or what you accomplish. It finds happiness in the moment you show up and try. Purpose will always be there in the morning when you wake. It will look at you lovingly despite your bad hair and gross breath and say,
“Everyday you matter.”
The trick is to not to confuse Purpose with its classmates: Goals, Dreams, and Achievements. They all shop at the same stores and can look the same from the back. The G.D.A. gang can be in your friend group. But make sure, at the end of the day, that you make choices that are true to Purpose. This will give you an all-access pass to the party of Life, regardless if Confidence is flirting with you or not. Authenticity, Integrity, and Connection will be proud. Inspiration, Motivation, and Perseverance will know your name.
Don’t waste another minute waiting for Confidence. Whether you feel like you are able to make a difference or not, whether you feel you are ‘ready’ or not, you can act with Purpose. If you do, at the end of this life, Purpose will be the love you sit with, warm beside a fire, reminiscing about the good times while you watch the sun go down.
Purpose will whisper,
“See? Everyday you matter.”
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